Warning. This post is
a: long and
b: contains long sentences and paragraphs because it came out in a stream.
EDIT: I added some punctuation, and attempted some calming measures, to make it easier to read.
That’s easier, not better.
Here’s how it normally works. I start a blog off and try supplying it with witty, quirky and often fairly random entertaining content, verses and stories, meta, ironically used tropes, and wordplay so subtle that you can’t decide if it was intended to be there or an accident, because that’s what I like to feel I’m contributing to the world, spreading a smile or two, inhabiting a writing character rather than sharing much of my real but typically unremarkable life… sooner or later, perhaps after a year or so of being happy with two or three posts of general silliness per week, I start to perceive that some of my recent topical posts have become a little bitter in tone, maybe too negative, and some perhaps might be termed ‘ranty’.
I’m feeling a bit low, my fuel tanks are depleted, suddenly I’m thinking everything I’ve ever written on this blog is just… well, corny and worthless and not even as funny when I read it now compared to when I wrote and published it… like when you hear a recording of your voice and you don’t recognise it at first and then you suddenly realise it’s you and you cringe (or is that just me… another self-confidence trick?)… despite it having likes and comments and interaction indicating that some people liked it–they’re just being kind, aren’t they?–so I decide to dial the topical and satirical back, try posting only the lighter-hearted witty silly stuff, maybe once a week–because there’s already enough bitter, insulting or sniping negativity in the world–I know, I’m reading a lot of it–and get frustrated that I just can’t seem to turn the funny on at all, even once a week… nothing is in the tank, and I decide to perhaps give it a total break and come back to it when I’m feeling more positive…
…but sometime during that break, I decide I can’t write entertaining anything any more–or think of anything entertaining to write and anyway, is there any point to writing this stuff for hardly anyone to read? It’s all meaningless anyway…
I get so despondent and frustrated I suddenly completely delete the blog out of the blue and I ‘ghost’ the handful of readers I had gained…
…it’s a hit of depression, I get it regularly with the onset of an Multiple Sclerosis attack, themselves coming with with fatigue as the first in a suite of symptoms to come and this all should be recognisable after 15 years… but I don’t recognise it at the time, or I do, but I tell myself that this is different from the last five times and I mean it this time, I am wrapped in my internal and increasingly anxious world, so now typing my blog address shows…
‘The owner has deleted this blog’
It is Finished.
There is no Backup to Restore.
It is Dead.
It is Gone.
I have Killed It.
This has happened at least five times in the last seven years.
I do not miss writing. I am free of pressuring myself to keep up at least some sort of posting schedule, having to think of witty things to write to supply my (mostly imaginary) audience with entertainment that lasts them a couple of minutes before they get on with their day but takes me half a day or more to write and edit, rewrite, have a crisis over whether it’s worth posting, have a crisis about if readers will catch my dry, wry and ironic tone…
…after a few weeks, sometimes only a few days, I have a rhyme pop into my head and write it down in my notes file, and sooner or later I notice that I have a few written down now, some there already from before, half-formed ideas of wordplay or ridiculousness, and I think, ‘Why am I writing these down in a notebook? Who for? Perhaps I could write it for others to read… why not on a blog?‘
Oh god, here we go again… but perhaps I’ll do it a bit different this time… I have opinions about stuff as well…. and hobbies, and stuff I know about…. but this is new, I’ll be more free, less (irrationally) constrained by my (mostly imaginary) old audience’s (also imagined) expectations based on what they had (hopefully) enjoyed from the madcap personality I’ve created as my writing author before… I’ll try a mix of stuff, make it a good variety, more honest and true and with more personal feeling and emotion and….
…then I can’t think of exactly what I want to write and end up finishing the writing of some silly verses that were waiting in my notebook , just to start the blog off… then I realise that this is actually quite entertaining, well, to me, but as it happens, mainly only me as I have ghosted all the followers I had before… but I’m happy enough for now with just bimbling along with my pretty anonymous fledgling blog that at least keeps me amused… and I think I am alright now, I’m happy, this is me and what I like to do, on my terms…
…until I start feeling negative and ranty again, there are a few of my older posts on there which I don’t know, seem too frivolous, too trivial, when there are so many upsetting issues in the world to worry about, and it’s become a bit of a chore and I’m tired… because the good-brain/bad-brain chemistry is a messed up and off-balance thing again and I start to think This isn’t fun now, what’s the point?….
Anyway, I called this blog ‘skipped gear’ because it’ll probably end up feeling like I’m in the space between cogs, where the gear hasn’t quite engaged properly when you wanted to change up or down… sort of operating in the space between 4th and 5th where you are pedalling furiously but no longer actually moving at all… and then fall off…
…and perhaps using the name bryntin, which I have used before, and perhaps carries some small reputation before it (in my head mostly I expect) and who became a particularly madcap, all consuming personality at times, might not be a good idea… we’ll see.
Anyway, if you happen to happen upon this post, that’s some inside insight into my individual internals for you. Carry on.