For the uninitiated; I take the title of a post from my reader (preferably I would have read the post too) and use that as the image search term for inserting an image from the Pexels/WordPress image library. Then… well, I see what happens basically.

For this one I used Hobbo’s Jam Sandwiches and Chip Butties – that is a link, and to be honest I’d go off and read that instead if I were you.

Anyway, if you’re still here…

I think the first thing everyone British will notice about this picture is ‘Where is the bloody jam or chip buttie? That’s what the search was for.

But let’s give the WordPress and Pexels people a bit of leeway here, as they don’t speak the Queens English and so don’t know that a ‘buttie’ or ‘butty’ is a sandwich, which is something between two slices of standard issue bread (maybe anything in fact… I have seen someone put a Cornish pasty in, although what was technically ‘in’, or if the pasty was simply just wrapped, or maybe just insulated, is a point to consider here…), not a burger that comes in a bap–which might also be a barm, or a roll, depending on where you are exactly in the UK, but definitely not a bun, which is a cake.

Simple, but not simple enough for Americans.

But then perhaps you notice the extremely arty off-centredness and realise. It’s an ‘artisan sandwich‘ of some sort. So that is probably called, on the menu, ‘a sandwich, on bread hand-crafted and baked with care, heritage recipe, organic and free range, from wheat in the fields of our farm that has been in the family and worked by hand by a man called Bert for 15 generations of Berts‘. Likely from one of those ‘themed’ and ‘cool’ eating establishments. Which means of course, it isn’t on a plate, it’s on a bloody slab of wood.

What is it with these people? The clue is in the name. A dinner plate. Not a dinner slab of wood. Or a dinner slate–although admittedly that’s quite close, and you could maybe understand it if there was a slight typo on the ordering form. But it’s a trend these days, and I reckon it started like this…

‘Ere, Fred, that pub wants 40 dinner slates. D’ya reckon they mean dinner plates?

I dunno Stan… could be… but hey, lets just send them slates, that’ll be a great laugh wouldn’t it?

And from that simple scene, the whole ‘we present your food on increasingly stupid things‘ started. Encouraged by the contestants on Masterchef on the telly taking it up, not having a care in the world about how the hell your gravy was meant to stay on the plate… sorry, slate… because they were now using a ‘foam’ instead.

So now you find you get food served in, on, or indeed under, all sorts of ‘fun’ stuff, the ‘fun’–a.k.a ‘ridiculousness’–of which is generally in inverse proportions to how good the food itself is. Invariably on the menu as ‘A new twist on….‘ which can be roughly translated as ‘Fuck it, no one’s buying our overpriced pasta dish, let’s try serving it in a toilet bowl and calling it ‘a bowl of pasta‘, Haha, we’re so revolutionary and edgy and fun, aren’t we Tarquin?

Obviously the chef should at this stage be out in the kitchen, thinking he might just chuck his pasta dish down the actual toilet, along with his career…

Another issue is that this cool and stylish place can’t get staff. How can we work that out?

Well, look..

No-one has eaten anything yet, but there are still crumbs on the table from the last customer. Not only that, but there’s crumbs on the wooden platter too, unless they are part of the arty presentation…

Yes Sir, in order for you to both visualize the full atmosphere and, as it were, pre-create the story of enjoyment of your sandwich–(NB: It isn’t a sandwich)–stimulating the necessary complete range of your senses, we serve it with the remnants of someone else having already enjoyed a sandwich at your table. And on your plate. It saves paying for a washer-upper too.

That isn’t a plate.

No sir, that is art.”

Why have you put unpeeled raw onions on it?

Ah, you peel them, that helps to get the tears flowing, then no one takes any notice of the real ones you have when you get the bill.

This detail is a bit worrying too.

How are you going to get those crisps (American=chip) dipped in that teensy, tiny little bowl of ‘dip’ without perhaps biting a crisp (chip) in order to make it fit, which, as we all know DOES NOT WORK because, having taken one bite of that crisp it will…
a/. only take a mindless second to chuck the remainder in your gob before you remember you were going to dip it into that teensy, tiny bowl, so you take another one… or
b/. shatter all over the place into a million tiny little atoms of former crisp (chip), leaving you with nothing capable of even being picked up, let alone worth dipping. Just one small morsel of crisp (chip) in between your finger tips… and you’re not going to dip your finger tips in the dip bowl, pretending you’re dipping a crisp (chip) now are you? Are you? Ewww…

Also, the salad leaves are in a casserole dish.

Which is odd when there are already salad leaves in the burger. Which we assume has the only cooked item in the entire scene in it…

Oh…

Maybe that’s the twist? There isn’t a burger? This is a ‘vegan’ sandwich perhaps?

So, I suppose, with no dead animal parts anywhere in sight, that may be closer to a jam or chip buttie, which if they have dead animal parts in them are normally accidental–particularly wasps in jam–than I originally thought.

But, even if that is the case, can the photographer please get a phone with a working screen to help them take a picture with the subject ever so slightly more centred in the bloody photo.

Thank you.

4 thoughts on “analysis and robust theory = art: butties

  1. Chip butty–who but the English would decide that french fries on bread make a good sandwich! Although it’s better than breakfast pizza, which Ken ordered the last time we were in the UK–it was a pizza with a sunnyside up fried egg in the middle!

    Liked by 1 person

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