We are pleased to announce that the era of the damaging over-consumption of custard creams is coming to an end.
We pledge that, within thirty years, we will be decreasing the waistline-destroying intake of our favourite calorie-filled sugary biscuit confectionery by one hundred percent.
Yes. To zero. None. Zilch. Not a crumb.
This is of course a brave, bold, and ambitious undertaking.
However, it would be impossible –and perhaps no-one would expect– to achieve this stringent target overnight, especially as there are two packets currently unopened in the cupboard, already five more in the online shopping basket for next week’s grocery delivery on Tuesday, and two unopened emergency reserve packets hidden in my filing cabinet in the household files folder marked ‘Insurances’.
And two on my desk with my cup of tea right now.
Therefore, we have worked out a strategy that allows for the gradual ‘phasing out’ of our reliance on this addictive, and easily obtained, tasty, dopamine delivery system, with two crumbly, yet satisfyingly crunchy biscuits, sandwiching a sweet, so sweet, hint of vanilla filling…
Excuse me. Sorry.
Our plan to phase out the consumption finds a necessary balance between the needs of all stakeholders equitably, so that the impacts on the economy can be shared fairly and the wide open and forlorn-looking gaps in the store cupboards will naturally have time to recover and replenish themselves with perhaps more waistline-sympathetic and healthy products that are just as good, no there aren’t any, yes there are, honestly there are not, there’s HobNobs, those aren’t any healthier are they? how about nuts? you’re nuts, shut up.
We are willing to be completely transparent about the progress towards our targets and are happy to publish the full timescale of our reduction plans, for inspection by any interested party at any time, to allay any fears of creative accounting or ‘custardwash’.
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Once again, skipped gear has shown a world leading example of leadership, transparency and sacrifice and calls upon others to follow this proud
nation blog’s selfless example –particularly those Agincourt and submarine contract losers, the fish-stealing French– to follow, if not better, the rigorous challenge we have set ourselves.